Oct 2011:
It was three days after surgery. I woke up in pain. All I felt was pain despite being on ‘morphine‘. There were tubes running in and out of my body. There was just pain.
My mother, brother and ex-mother in law were in my hospital room as I drifted into sleep.
I found myself in a whiteness. I WAS part of the whiteness. Looking around, I couldn’t see the horizon. There was no physical body but I was present. It is very hard to describe the emotion since there is no word that comes close to explaining that feeling. It was a sense of nowhere to go, nothing to do.
I heard these words “All this was temporary. Go back. You will move on from here”.
I slipped back into my body. The pain hit me again.
Then I woke up and heard my brother say, “ ahh, you woke up. Do you want anything?”
Looking back in 2024:
Nearly 13 years later, I can confidently say this was no ‘morphine’ induced hallucination. While I may never understand what happened or where I went, this was a life defining moment. Ironic that a near death experience pointed to life.
More questions:
I returned home from the hospital. While I was recuperating my mind repeatedly went back to the experience. All I had was questions. English is not my mother tongue. Yet why did I hear the thoughts in English? Why did I see whiteness and not any religious deity? Whom can I share this experience with? Did I imagine it all?
Possible answers:
I heard the thoughts in a language I was most familiar with. At that point in time, I had transitioned from blind faith to atheism. ‘Grace’ showed up as whiteness since my mind would have rejected any religious deity. This is what I believe today. I am pretty sure life will deconstruct this mindset in due time. That is what life does.
I know this was not my imagination. My definition of a mystical experience is a moment or an event that one goes through and cannot explain how it happened. My rational mind believes in figuring out things. Over the years, post NDE, there was/is a growing itch to understand my mind and myself better. “Who am I?” is a singular question that drives my existence.
There are several experiences, before and after my NDE, which my rational mind assumed to be coincidences. Not any more.
Are you curious to know more? You should know more about this ‘vengayam’ before reading other experiences. Click on Know your vengayam.
“My near death experience woke me up.”
-vengayam
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