Noble Qualities – Part 2

In continuation to my previous post on noble qualities -part 1, here we discuss on certain negative emotions we must overcome – anger and jealousy

3. Overcome negative emotions – Anger and Jealousy

Anger

I read somewhere on anger, as to why does one shout when angry. I loved the narrative which had a logical reasoning behind. It said, when two people are angry with each other, almost immediately a huge distance is created between them. Their hearts are no longer closer, despite standing next to each other. They start shouting so that they are heard and they believe shouting is the only way to be heard. And have we not seen that, in matters of love, the lovers whisper to each other? Applying the same logic, their hearts are so close to each other that they can feel the real proximity to each other, hence the whisper! In fact, even if the lovers are miles apart, they can understand the other intuitively without even a word spoken. What a wonderful fact!

Impact of Anger

Anger is a very negative emotion, because it is impulsive and we lose control of what we speak or do when angry. Wrong words spoken is like spilt milk, you can’t collect it back into the jar. They may appear to be healed over time, but they are actually irreparable, leaves a permanent scar. It creates a huge distance between the relationships.

“क्रोधाद्भवति सम्मोह: सम्मोहात्स्मृतिविभ्रम: |
स्मृतिभ्रंशाद् बुद्धिनाशो बुद्धिनाशात्प्रणश्यति || 63||”

“krodhād bhavati sammohaḥ sammohāt smṛiti-vibhramaḥ
smṛiti-bhranśhād buddhi-nāśho buddhi-nāśhāt praṇaśhyati”

Meaning: Anger leads to clouding of judgment, which results in bewilderment of memory. When memory is bewildered, the intellect gets destroyed; and when the intellect is destroyed, one is ruined. – Bhagavad Gita – Chapter 2, Verse 63

Why anger? Where does it come from?

In my view, anger mostly stems from frustration, when something or someone acts below our expectations. Let’s not go into whether the expectation is right or wrong. The fact is that when you get angry, you lose the sense of judgement and hence falter. Anger is often sudden and uncontrollable. The outcomes of anger can be devastating. It is like fire bringing down a roof.

Acceptance

Accepting others as they are, gives immediate peace and relief to any situation. Non acceptance on the other hand is a difficult journey, full of conflicts and swimming against the tide. Expectation is the root cause of misery. Drop the expectation and the urge to react, pause to respond, know that others cannot give you the peace you seek. I have written more about this in my previous post on acceptance, do read if you haven’t read that before. Of all the things, anger will yield nothing but further damage.

How to overcome anger

Mindfulness is the answer again!. Unless you practice mindfulness and awareness, it is impossible to control anger. If you practice mindfulness, just before you are about to erupt in anger through words or actions, you will ask yourself whether “is this what you want?” “does this behavior befit you?”. This “pause” for a moment before you erupt helps you to come back to senses and controls you from reacting aggressively. A more thoughtful response will arise, taking the opponent by surprise and a gentle wave of calmness will soon arrive. If nothing at all, atleast you did not do further damage! Am sure this will soon become your preferred response mechanism.

Jealousy

Jealousy on the other hand is a more destructive emotion. It is that thought or feelings of insecurity, fear, and concern over a relative lack of possessions or ability. It may be perceived or real but the root is in relative comparison to ourselves. It can show up as anger, frustration, helplessness, insecurity, depression and even violence in extreme cases. What is more dangerous is, when one is not only jealous but acts on grounds of jealousy. This can be devastating.

Comparison

Each one of us has come in to this world with our own baggage of karma, certain abilities, skills, means to live and achieve our purpose in life. Comparison is just not needed and it is futile given the fact that circumstances and abilities differ. No two fingers are alike, we have seen even amongst twins, one flourishes while the other struggles to meet ends! We reap what we have sown and why add more karma by being jealous? Jealousy makes one sick and age faster, I have seen many such cases who have dug their own graves by being jealous all their life. They end up messing up their lives and those around them as well.

What if someone is jealous of you?

Well, it depends. You may choose to ignore, if it is someone unrelated to you, let’s say a passer by with whom you don’t even deal with on a day to day basis. What if a close friend or relative is jealous of you and you have to deal with them almost everyday? Jealousy is often an offshoot of insecurity, fear and helplessness and the feeling that they lack resources or ability or both. Without even knowing they are directing the emotion on you by way of anger or resentment or whatever, they continue to act in a negative way.

Empathy

Empathize, that’s the ultimate solution in my view, but it takes maturity and comes over time only. Atleast, do not hurl abuses back, do not get angry or upset over it, they cannot affect you unless you let them to. Talk to them, be compassionate and kind, you are sure to win their confidence over time. Assuming nothing works, at best you need not carry these imprints in your mind. It is their emotion to handle.

As far as you are concerned, practicing mindfulness, being kind and truthful, being good and doing good is what matters, rest assured you will find your peace within. Jealously will no longer impact you.

In this series of posts on noble qualities, there is one more coming up. Stay tuned.